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spoiledbabyash08
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Name: Ashley
Location: Williamsport, Pennsylvania, United States
Birthday: 11/6/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: I like a lot of different kinds of music. Everything from rap to rock to heavy metal. I also like video games, I'm a real freak about Doom 3 for the Xbox, which is the only consoule I really play.
Expertise: I'm into art.
Occupation: Sales Associate
Industry: Shoe Retail
Message: message meEmail: email me
Yahoo:  bleedingblack28
Member Since:
6/8/2005
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| I feel like I'm at the end of my wits here...
Honestly, I've never been happier with Travis, living with him has been nothing but great. It's everyone else. I feel like I'm the only one that can do anything and there are practically 4 other people living here. We only have 1 roommate but his girlfriend is always here, along with his brother and friend. If they were only staying for a couple hours it'd be fine but they stay the night a lot and what really bothers me is that they like don't clean up after themselves. The sink is full of dirty dishes because the dishwasher is full of clean dishes that no one can put away. 2 nights ago I completely cleaned the counter tops and the stove top and tonight I find that there's pizza boxes and plastic shopping bags all over the counter, the trash can is full and no one seems to be able to take it out to put a new bag in. The table hasn't been clean since they moved in and that's just the kitchen. Downstairs on the bar there are beer cans all over the place... I spent roughly 6 hours on Thursday cleaning everything in our bedroom. I did all of our laundry and got everything folded and put away, I washed all the bed sheets and remade the bed. I made dinner, cleaned the rats cage, and even gave them a bath. I feel like I go to work all day and come home to pick up after a bunch of kids. I don't need this! I could have had my own place by now. I did all of this to help Travis out financially and now I'm going crazy. There's to many people that aren't taking care of their own trash. I can't live like this.
I don't want to leave Travis because I love him to pieces... I'm just so frustrated I could cry... If I stick up for myself and tell them to clean up then I'll be the bad guy and it'll just make the house awkward. I don't know what to do anymore. Ever time I pick up a newspaper I go straight for the classifieds. The apartments all look soooo tempting. That's not the only thing I look for, I can't stand my job.
That's a whole different matter entirely. My manager is a dick. He's best friends with the main manager which is how he got his job. I feel like I do most of the work and he just sits back and takes all the credit and benefits. Why can't they see all I'm doing? I need to find a better place that appreciates me. Which would be nowhere.
I've got to get to bed... I can barely keep my eyes open.
So Long and Goodnight.
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| So, I had quite the day today. It's become very apparent that everyone I went to school with and was friends with are pregnant, married, or going to college and making something of themselves. I'm doing none of the above. I do not want to have kids so I don't envy any of them but I do want to find the right person and get married. I found a great guy that really takes care of me and treats me right but we're not ready for that big of a step. Honestly, as much as I want to get married I really just want to do my own thing right now. I don't want to be tied down, I just want to figure things out for myself. I want to be independent but seeing all these people with plans for their life is leaving me feel like a complete loser. I wanted to go to school and I finally figured out what I wanted to go for and realized that it'd be a waste of time and money to do that now. The job market is terrible for it and it would take me 10 years to complete.
So I'm left selling shoes with no end in sight. I don't want to end up like the ladies I work with, no education going to the same place day after day doing the same old thing that I don't want to do. I'm so unhappy but everywhere I look employers want people with degrees. I feel like the high school drop out that does nothing in life and eventually dies and no one even notices she's gone.
I keep saying everyone's crazy for getting married and having kids but secretly I want that. I want that sooooo bad. I want a reason to wake up in the morning. I'm only 20 and I feel like I'm watching my entire life fly by. I don't know what to do...
I am dating this wonderful guy and I'm very happy with my home life. I mean, I know I said I wanted to get married but I'm not ready just yet and he's far from ready. Which I don't blame him. I'm afraid though that this is going to end up like all my other relationships, last for 3 years and then end. I really don't want it to I'm just scared that it will. I've wanted this guy ever since I first met him though. That was in 8th grade... We sat beside eachother in homeroom and he would always pick on me. At the time I was dating his best friend so we hung out a lot. Eventually he started dating this girl that was a complete bitch and we lost touch and I moved away. Then I found him through Facebook and he started talking to me again. When I finally broke up with my now ex boyfriend we started hanging out... One thing led to another and here we are 7 months later and we're living together. I'm so happy with him though. I'm just afraid of losing him. I would like to marry him. I could see us raising a family together. I don't want kids but I could see us having kids together. I do love him.
But I still feel like a huge failure. I saw my old math teacher at work the other day and that night I had a dream that I was back at work and she walked up to me and looked me right in the face and said "You Failed" and walked away. That dream is what started this whole thing. I did fail... I gave him my dream for a guy and now I regret it every day. I don't know what to do...
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| I'm sick and depressed. I feel like I'm literally walking around in a daze. Everything seems slowed down and I feel like I have no control over what I'm doing. Like... I don't know it's hard to explain but I don't like it. It's almost like I'm high. My eyes are barely open and I'm just going through the motions.
Last night Mitri told me that Lynn was being evicted. I hate her so much but I felt sorry for her and her 4 kids. I figured they'd find a place to live and Mitri would find his own place. Then, he tells me he asked her to move to North Carolina with him. Just thinking about it makes me cry. He told me he wants me to come with but I wont. I wont because my family is here, I don't want to move away from them again. All that keeps going through my head is why her? Why has she become so important to him? But, I have to remind myself that I'm the one that took myself outta the picture. I'm the one that forced him to move here with my family and then broke up with him. Here, where he doesn't know anyone and had no place to go. What kind of selfish bitch am I? But he kept telling me it was ok. He never showed any emotion he just kept telling me that everything was ok. Well, It's not because now he constantly throws it in my face. He found a new family. He found something more important than me. I still love him so much and the main reason I wanted to break up was because he refuses to move down with his family. They miss him and he misses them but he wouldn't go because of me. So, I took myself outta the picture and he replaced me with not just another girl but another family.
I keep looking at our pictures... I hate them... I keep listening to songs that remind me of him... I hate them... I hate my fucking memories... I try to put on a pretty face and pretend I'm ok but I'm not. I want to tell everyone, I hurt so much. I didn't think it was possible to hurt this much. I know it's a broken heart, I know this is how you're suppossed to feel. I know the world keeps spinning but I don't fucking care. I need someone to break me down. Let me just cry about it and comfort me but I don't have anyone now. I need a fucking hug, I need to be held.
I invited him to a family thing tonight and he said no. He's gotta be with his other family.
How can I be that fucking easy to replace?!
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| Last night my best friend told me he couldn't be there for me. It really upset me because I need a friend and since I just broke up with mine I really needed that friendship. Well, that's not happening.
Anyways, it prompted me to have a very strange dream.
I woke up and it was Thursday, November 5, the day before my birthday. Well, I went to work and came home and my best friend was here. I'm not going to say any names but it's someone I've known for years and have been super close to. Well, he said he was here for my birthday and that was his present to me. I was excited because as close as we've been I've never actually met him. Anyways, I was in my room getting ready to go out to dinner with my family and he was sitting on my bed watching me. Ok, this next part has had me cracking up all day and I'm not quite sure why. He said you know if we're quiet everyone will just think we're going ready to go out and we can just sit here and kiss. So, that's exactly what we did. Then I woke up. But I couldn't stop laughing at what he said and the way he said it in my dream.
Yeah, so that made my day, until I came home.
Ooooh, my aching back! Anyways, I got my paycheck today! Although, it's not as good as I'd hoped. I guess I'll have to cut my wish list short.
Tomorrow I turn 20! I can't help but get super excited for my birthday. I don't know why I just can't help it.
On Monday, November 6, 1989 at 9:56 am I was born! : )
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| Wow, it's been so long since I've posted on here and a lot has happened. Ok, right now I'm just going to vent. First of all, it's about Mitri. He moved to this new position at work which is great but his team has a lot more time to talk and he has stopped calling me on his breaks, or he'll call and talk for 2 seconds then say he has to go. If I say something to him about it he gets mad quickly and says we live together and we get to spend all night together and we can talk then. Maybe it's just me being a suffocating bitch but all I want to do is feel like he actually wants to talk. He tells me he's going to call me on his next break and then something comes up and he has to call someone else. I just feel like I'm being pushed aside. Next he has this car that it sucks. The dealer he got it from sold it to him for way to much then it got impounded and we had to take out a small loan on top of getting the car refinanced. He told me what the monthly payment would look like and I told him not to do it because it was to high but he said no we'll be fine. So he got it done and now we can't afford it. However, the people we went through said they can't help us anymore and no one else can either so he's trying to get another car so he can give that one back. He found one but I think it's more than we need. I think it's to expensive and he's not thinking about that. I also just got a car but mine is more than half less than the one he wants and I'll own it in a little over a year. It's a good sturdy reliable car. The reason he wont look for a different one is because of the miles, I know that's a big deal but if it's taken care of then it can last. Sigh.... I'm going up to my mom's house next monday so I'm hoping the space will help us get on track. The problem is if he gets this car than we can't get our own place and we have to look for another cheap apartment. The thing is he is just sooooo headstrong and he wants to do so many things but he doesn't think long term, he only things short term. He wants to do all this now but he can't and that's what he isn't thinking about. We both love eachother more than anything in the world but we don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. We used to say we have a good relationship because he thinks short term and I think long term but when he doesn't listen to me the relationship doesn't mean shit. So long and goodnight. | | |
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Phwoar Teeny Emos <3